I was standing outside the station, looking around for the photographer who was picking me up. We were going to her flat to take the photos as the studio would be too busy, and being new in the business, they didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman heading in my direction and as I turned to take a better look, I prayed to myself that it wasn’t her. She was tall, willowy and pretty much the very definition of perfection.

‘Elana?’ she asked. Fuck my life.

Here I am in my now very dirty white jacket and brown purse with black boots on. Dumpy, no make up and I probably smell like mold because of the crappy washing machine. Of course it’s my luck the model/photographer/photo editor would be a beautiful size 00 Eastern European. Of course.

We started walking to her flat and I tried my best to not stare at her. She asked me what sort of things I had with me. ‘You brought make up with you, yes?’ she tilted her head at me.

‘Yes, I just didn’t really know what sort of look we should go for.’ She took a few glances at me before saying that it should be a sexy smoky glamorous look, of course. Of course. She looked at me again and said my hair would look better wavy or curly. I explained that I wanted to bring my GHD so we could do it there just in case because it could give me really nice curls pretty fast as opposed to a regular curler that takes ages and doesn’t work on my half the time.

‘It’s not about being fast. Don’t worry about it. No one is in a rush here, we can take as much time as necessary. The most important thing is that you have to look good. It has to look good, you know?’ Well, I can’t say I get that very often.

So my super skinny agent and my super super skinny and tall photographer pretty much took over everything, as if I didn’t know what was sexy. I mean, I know I am new at this, but I am not a novice in the art of seducing a man!  I had a vision of what the photo shoot would be like. How I would wow them with these looks that I had. Sexy in the garter and black robe, demure in my lacy stockings and lacy underwear set. Poses I had chosen to hide this and that. Make this look longer, thinner, etc. But no. They had me down to my very skivvies, no easing me into it. Practically naked right from the start and sitting down, you know, so my fat can smush together in one lump over my legs. Very sexy. Very demure, oh yes. So to say the least, I had never felt more unsexy before in my life.

Please don’t get me wrong though. They were very nice the whole time. Very professional and just concerned about making me look good. I am meant to be making them money after all.

The photo shoot was long, hard, frustrating, and uncomfortable. I can see why the girls from American Next Top Model break down. There was so much make up and I was put in such uncomfortable positions and told to do such uncomfortable things I was put off the whole time. I couldn’t make myself look and think about sex when they keep going, ‘Face to camera more, face up! Smile! Sexy, fun, flirty, young! Move forward more! Stretch this out, Move this, push your breast together more!’ etc. Over five dress changes, most of which I was pretty much nude for (and yes, it was still over five dress changes because of undies and shoes, garters, fur coats, etc.) I felt that I wasn’t looking very good the whole time and they were just being nice about it all and not wanting to say the truth. When the photographer uploaded the pictures, however, I was surprised at how good I looked in most of the pictures. It just goes to show you. I really prefer to be behind the camera taking the pictures than being in front I requested to have a mirror behind her so I could at least see how I looked and she wouldn’t have to direct me so much, but she said not to worry about it. I swear we could have taken a whole half hour off the time if they just gave me the mirror!

‘Have you tried to lose the weight?’ T said nonchalantly, ‘ because if you did, you would be perfect. You would be like model.’ I blushed and explained to her that I have always tried, but with my health conditions, it was over 45% harder for someone like me to lose weight, especially in the tummy area. ‘Well, you should look into it, really.’ Yes T, I know. ‘But it’s ok, you know? Because men…they like different things. You never know what it is they really want. They are very weird like that Some men…are very rich, nice jewellery, nice clothes, nice cars, but they go for these dirty girls with not nice clothes, you know? So, I know many men will like you still. You will make yourself and me a lot of money!’

Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes, you took me on because men are weird and some may not like a regularly gorgeous girl such as Ms. Photographer. I’m the girl for the freaks out there. Great.

They will have finished retouching the photos soon and will send me copies and print out a few for me to keep. I will post some up for you to see. I will, however, blur out my face, sorry kiddos.

xx