The Russian and I had a problem with incalls. I had done a few because it was the only type of bookings I was getting. I asked him before if I could, and he said yes, but then again, it was so long ago.

He told me that to let me do that felt like he was being cheated on. ‘Even when I cheated on my exex, It was nevr in our bed.’  We were drinking wine and talkming about the business, how he almost wnet into it for gay men, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He said something about me not liking my job and I told him that I did. I said I thought the men were generally nice and it wasn’t bad. He got up and went to the loo and when he came back the first thing he said before even closing the bedroom door was ‘How would you feel if I took on two lovers?’

I looked at him confused and (obviously so) a bit upset. ‘It’s the same thing, don’t you think? I mean, yes, you get paid for what you do, but I am only just fucking them. How is it any different?’ he continued.

I didn’t know how to react so I looked away. It’s nothing the same. I don’t choose what men I see. I wouldn’t do it if I weren’t getting paid for it. Whereas he would be taking on women he would be fucking on a regular basis besides me. Opening the way for emotions to get involved. He would want to do everything he did with those women. I like what I do, but I wouldn’t volunteer any of it. There is no comparisson whatsoever. I did see his point though.

‘I’ve thought about situations like that before.’

‘So, what do you think then?’

‘Do you think I like that I am doing this? Do you think I want to be with other men when I only want you? Yes, I said I like the men, but I would never do anything like this if it weren’t for the money. I am always thinking about you. You make me feel so ashamed, and I never felt like that before. I hate myself for this. Do you not see that?’

Honestly. sometimes it makes me angry. Yes, I do see his point, and why he wouldn’t like it. At the same time, however, he does not complain when I am spending that money on us. On him. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I told him that the semester was almost over and I needed to find a real job anyway so I can get my working visa. I already know the ideal place in which I’d like to work, and am mustering the courage to start the application. He said he’d help me and he was glad that I was leaving the work.

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